HrtsU4Reel (*hearts*! unless you want it to be 'hurts', babycakes.)


I have been on OkCupid for two weeks now and have gone on one actual date. Clearly, I am now a pro, and you should all listen to more of my thoughts. (See here and here for earlier thoughts.) Sure, my date turned out to have been a ex-hare krishna monk who couldn't have a beer because he was on probation for getting pulled over with pot in his car, but he was on-time, sweet, and easy to talk to.

This post is dedicated to all you non-murdery dudes on OkC. A few corrections/oversights from my last piece are necessary, however.

First,

I hereby sincerely apologize to the fellow I called out for sharing his 'naughty' proclivities with me in his initial message. Don't get me wrong--I'm still blocking his messages! It's just that a few more...forthright...messages from the gentlemen of OkC later, I realize that his not specifying the exact nature of those proclivities was, undoubtedly, an act of great reserve and delicacy, from which Mr. 'I Want To Suck On Your Boobies' could learn a valuable lesson.

[a moment of silence for the person who can spell all those words correctly and yet choose to send them to a total stranger]

Second,

To the Men Who Drive Vans...

I'm sure most of you are tradesmen, and rightly proud of that fact. The chill your pedovan causes to run down my spine, however, is not one of happy anticipation at the prospect of a lovely date and perhaps some ice cream. Also, it doesn't help when you message me out of the blue to tell me that you can drive to where I am. Your not being able to locate me was never my worry.

With those corrections/oversights in mind, I'm here today to provide an important public service announcement.

Dear Non-murdery Men of OkC! Please keep in mind that for the potential recipient of your romantic intentions, the difference between being 'ironic in a non-obvious way' and being 'deadly serious' is the difference between having a good laugh together about it later and a bag of pickled squirrel heads on the doorstep.

I'm talking to you, Mr. FunGuythatsmiles. Perhaps you are, indeed, a jovial fellow full of lighthearted wit and a penchant for displaying your pearly whites. All I'm saying is...maybe don't make your profile photo a shot of you looking like you're about to kill Bambi's Mom just to watch her die.

Mrlonely5353? Same goes for you. Perhaps you are actually the life of every party--the sine qua non for a good time in your neck of the woods--and you chose your username because it's damn funny. 5353x funny, even! It's just...your profile pic is a blurry shot of your naked chest in bad lighting, and I have already received too many messages that begin, "Just give me a chance and I will show you" [I don't know what comes after that, because that is all my screen shows without my actually opening the message] to take a chance on your being secretly very funny, as opposed to so alienated from your own existence that you can't even take a decent mirror-selfie.

Please, Non-murdery Men of OkC, do not succumb to the temptation to take as your username 'strip-4U-free'. That username might be hysterically funny for anyone who knows you, you loveably modest miser. "What? Strip for you! And for free?! " your friends might chortle: "That's a stitch and a half and no kidding! Oh, that Joe!" Here's the thing, though: If there's one thing I've learned in my two weeks of OkC, it's that I do not need to pay money to for the opportunity to see naked man-flesh.

(In fact, Mr. 'you are beautiful so can we chat because i want you' taught me that 15 minutes after I joined the site, in the same way that Mr. 'We should go on a trip to the Middle East together--craziest first date ever, hahaha!' taught me that it's possible to be super-creepy without even mentioning sex. I am learning so much in this little venture!)

Mr. still4ree? Yes, you there holding a dead fish and looking really anxious in your profile picture? I'm not sure if you meant to indicate that you are still "for real" even after all the heartaches that love has brought your way, or that you are still "for reel" because you love fishing so much--or even that you are still "furry" for people who gravitate to the hirsute...but maybe stick to something less mysterious? I know I said that the 'leave a little mystery door' should swing both ways, but I didn't mean you should be wildly confusing. (This goes for you, too, Raptor4U!)

That said, there is such a thing as trying too hard to demonstrate how normal...or human...you are.

So nice try, imhuman357! You may have fooled me once with your winsome cyborg humor and your knowledge of delightful little coffeeshops in obscure places, but I know better now than to trust your promises of exclusive discounts and free shipping. (Oh, Zoltronimax! Why? Why?!)

Until next time...
Virtually Yours


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Written by Christina Van Dyke
the academic world
philosophy professor at a liberal arts college, writing about medieval views on the afterlife, gendered eating, and the perils of on-line dating.

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