Let's Lib All the Cupids!


In my last post, I offered a mad-lib script for OkCupid messaging, and promised to post results. I have no words for what happened next. Fortunately, my FB friends have supplied all the words I will ever need.

Mad-Lib Magic

Initial message: "Hey! It's urgently slamming’ that you're into recuperating. I'm more into undulating myself, but I sometimes dabble in cavorting, too. It's so swiftly stank, you know? Har de har har har. Anyway! Based on your profile pics, you seem like an extensive, nouveau kind of duck, and I'd love to swim with you sometime. Check out my profile, and let me know if you ever want to smoosh."

I don't know about you, but I would definitely reply to anyone who referred to me as a 'nouveau kind of duck'. I'm not sure I'd be able to come up with anything as fantastic as the following, though:

Response: "Hey, Malevolence! Thanks for your cromulent message. I elegantly validate the interest. It's kind of a green time for me right now, so I'm not sure I'm up for annotating any time soon, but I do enjoy a popular apple juice with fulsome chitterlings. What kind of Crabbie’s alcoholic lemonade from Scotland snapped up at Grocery Outlet this very morning and greens do you like? And where's your favorite place to bounce those things? Nudge nudge wink wink. Tee hee. Hope you're having an exquisite day! [Ghost with eyepatch extending tongue]"

The use of the pirate ghost emoticon is a stroke of random-number-generator genius, if I say so myself. (Yes, I got my son to use a role-playing number generator to plug the words people gave me into the script. No, I have not yet gone on a second date. Why do you ask?) I feel like my friends need to work on their OkC usernames, though. I mean, 'Malevolence'? There's someone out there whose actual username is '69daddio69', people. There is someone whose username is 'MrPoke'. MR. POKE.

Anyway. How did 'Malevolence' respond? In the only way they could:

Reply: “Snort. You are sloppily dexterous, and I hella judge that. I’ll call you."

mic drop

Sharing the Mad-Love

This exchange of messages was so delightful that it made me wonder: What would happen if I took all the initial messages that have been sent to me in the past week and 'mad-libbed' them?

Awesomeness, my friends. Awesomeness is what happens.

You see, I posted a new photo on Monday in my continuing attempt to Do My Part in this bizarre sort of search for love. It is a picture of my head. Not even anything as revealing as my clavicle. Here are some of the messages that I received in response--in their entirety and with original punctuation:

"Hello cutie!"

"Hello how are you doing"

"Very beautiful"

"Hey gorgeous"

"Nice smile"

"Super cute"

"Hello beautiful how's it going? Names Dennis :)​"

"Nice eyes"

"How you doing sexy"

You get the picture. I'm not even going to make the point made so many times before about how women aren't likely to respond to initial messages that focus on their physical appearance/status as sex object. You know why? Because I already have. Y'all just got "Show, don't tell"ed.

No, my Valentine to you this year is what happens when you get a little more creative.

​"Hello cutie!"

turns into

"Ahoy bearer of dignity!"

I mean, who's not going to respond to a jaunty, sea-worthy greeting that acknowledges their infinite value and robust autonomy?

And why not focus on different body parts for a change?

"Nice smile"

is so 'ever since the dawn of time'. When was the last time someone sent you a message that just said:

"Thunderous pineal gland"?

blush

I can't believe you noticed!!

And if you do want to stick with the tried-and-true 'comment on actually existing body parts instead of the made-up one Descartes used to explain the connection between mind and body' method (I have a lot of philosophy friends), you could at least experiment with new and confusing combinations.

Instead of

"Nice smile"

why not try

"Glowing rack"?

I, for one, would instinctively look down to see whether the girls had recently been exposed to radioactive material. That right there is far more engagement than 'Nice smile' is ever going to get!

Finally, look at what happens when you apply this method to the following message I got from someone who appears to be taking a proactive, marketing-style approach to this whole thing. Here is the original message in its entirety (except for the name, which I've removed because Basic Decency):

Hello, GR professional male,...6'3" 220 muscular and athletic....part time professional musician..handsome and intelligent. Master's degreed, fun,articulate, sexy, honest, adventurous, ...and so much more. I like to workout and do so at least 2 times a week. Care to get to know me better? ..... tell Me about yourself...

Literally the most interesting part of this message is the intriguing (but probably accidental) capitalization of "me" in the last sentence. Look what happens when you shake things up a bit:

We who are about to die salute you. GR glurpy whippersnapper,…6’3” 220 ardent and bullet-proof…part-time intrepid project…bodacious and rumptastic. Insurmountable, voluptuous, distinctive, divine, slippery,…and so much more. I like to gallop and do so at least 2 times an eon. Care to get to spelunk me deeply? …. I'm a logic professor…

Sadly, no one has described themselves to me as 'bodacious and rumptastic', and so I'm off to go spend Valentine's Day with some of the amazing friends who came up with these words.

Wishing you all loads of love and laughter...

Until next time I remain,
Virtually Yours


Author image
Written by Christina Van Dyke
the academic world
philosophy professor at a liberal arts college, writing about medieval views on the afterlife, gendered eating, and the perils of on-line dating.

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