Oh, for Cupid's Sake!

Yes! It's another post in what's sure to be a continuing series (at least until I start teaching again in February).

The main subject of this post is Men I'm Not Going to Message Back, but first, some important follow-ups/corrections to my last post:

1) I apparently owe CoolChange4U an apology. A prominent epistemologist has pointed out to me that what I interpreted as a co-dependent advertisement ("I will change 4U and it will be cool?!") is more likely a reference to the song "Cool Change" by the Australian rock group Little River Band. So what this fine specimen of manhood appears to be indicating via his username is that he is a playful fellow well-versed in Australian rock bands from the 70's, and that he will constitute a 'cool change' for the ladies from their former lovers. To which I say, "I hope he finds his Sheila!"

2) The infamous EatU4hours69 has updated his profile pic so that it now features his face in semi-profile, doing that thing where you blow smoke out your mouth to look all sexy. (I learned about this from watching Rizzo light up in Grease.) In any event, it's not at all clear that the smoke is from a 'conventional cigarette', so now I'm wondering if instead of making it clear that what he has to offer is not just aimed at women with a cannibal fetish, he's really just trying to remind himself of what he was saying at the beginning of his username.

3) I was too specific when I said: "Do not: Make your profile pic a selfie of yourself lying flat on your couch." This was an oversight, and I deeply regret it. What I should have said, of course, was

Thou shalt not make of a selfie thy profile pic lying flat on thy couch...nor on thy bed...nor on thy car...nor shalt thou make of a selfie thy profile pic of thyself lying flat on any surface that is wholly horizontal.

And now, let's talk First Impressions.

I'm clearly treating this whole enterprise as much as a social experiment as I am a way to meet actual romantic partners. It's waaaaay more interesting that way, and it also allows me to keep a certain distance from the whole enterprise. "Wow!" I can think to myself now when I get a real eye-roller of a message, "That sure is something someone could say to a total stranger!" or "Well, hey--look at you, telling me you're 'a bit of a naughty boy' in your initial salvo! That is, indeed, a decision one could make, and you have made it. Huh!" '

In recognition of the deeply personal information some of you Men of Cupid have chosen to share with me (I'm looking right atcha, Mr. I'd Do You!"), I would like to share some thoughts of my own in return.

To the Men Who Look Like Skulls, I say the following:

Thank you for messaging me! I appreciate the interest. Skeletor was definitely the most interesting character on He-Man, and who doesn't love his Affirmations? That said, the nemesis of Eternia displays a certain joie de vivre that does not shine through in your grim, hoodied-profile pic and the 'I am looking for someone to talk to and maybe to date' message you sent me. May the power of Greyskull be with you.

Dear Men Who Have Apparently Only Ever Been on One Vacation,

Posting photos of yourself having a good time is a great idea! It is a bit unfortunate that such an event seems to have happened only once in your entire life, though. I mean, either that, or you are like that Time Traveler from that one book, and I'm really looking more for someone who'll stick around for the long haul. Best wishes for the future, though! Or, you know, the past.

Oh, Men Who Look Very Sad...

To you, I send sympathetic virtual hugs. I'm not going to send you an actual message, though, because just looking at your profile really bums me out. There you are, standing by your car, looking sad. There you are, sitting at a table, looking sad. There you are, apparently in a semi-exotic locale (as judged by the background), looking sad. Someone may have told you that women don't go for guys who smile. If so, they were wrong. And possibly evil. Go forth, and maybe experiment with crinkling the corner of your eyes a bit if moving the muscles around your mouth seems like too bold a move. Hold a kitten or a puppy and see what happens? A stuffed animal could be a fine substitute if you've got allergies. I'll bet you've got wicked allergies.

And finally, to wrap up today's discussion,

Men Who Are Apparently Visible Only Under Nightclub/Strobe lights:

You'll forgive me for not messaging you back, I hope? You see, I have hopes of finding someone who would like to share the daylight with me, in addition to rockin' out to the beats of whatever sick clubs you've exclusively posted photos from. Don't get me wrong--it's not that I don't know how to have a good time! It's more that I'm worried that you don't know how to have a good time. Well, that, and I'm a little worried that you're a vampire or a Nightwalker. No offense to the Undead Denizens of the Night, of course! I just like my days sunny and my soul still serving as the animating principle of my physical form.

TTFN, OkCers! I need to go meet up with Hung4theHolidz.

(Just kidding!!! Sweet lord in heaven, I'm just kidding! It's really JingleMyBlzHaT.)

Author image
Written by Christina Van Dyke
the academic world

Share this article