Cupid in the Mirror

Have no fear! This is not going to be a post about how 'the Cupid I need to love most is the one in my own mirror.' I've been single more often than not over the past ten years: if there's one thing I've got down...erm...'pat', it's loving myself.


No, my friends. Instead, this post is going to be about what I've learned from perusing the OkC profile of my "0% match, 99% enemy." Because this is a category that exists on OkC, and that at least one actual person falls into. Knowing that, how could I possibly resist the temptation to check out what sort of person this might be? (And also, you know, his general whereabouts, so I can assiduously avoid them.)

First, though, as always: retractions/corrections/follow-ups to my last post.

I have not heard anything from the ex-hare krishna monk with whom I went on my Perfectly Adequate Date--despite the 'Hey, it was nice to meet you, we should hang out again sometime' text I sent him three days later. Only possible conclusion: I was somehow so repulsive that he's returned to Krishna's loving arms. I mean, he was the one who asked whether I wanted anything to drink. Anyone would have assumed that he wanted to know about the effects alcohol has at varying stages of my menstrual cycle. I guess next time I'll just leave out the description of my cervical mucus. Even though it was the best part.

Also, to the Men Who Drive Vans, I have a new advisory:

Please do not rely on spellcheck alone. Autocorrect can be your friend, but remember that it learns your preferences. When your very first message asks me to meet you for a drink on the grounds that you've "dissevered" that meeting people in person is the best way to get to know them, there's just no coming back. ("Oops! I meant that I've discovered that bodies people do better in pieces person. Haha.")

Finally, I forgot to mention a recent tragedy:

Mr. HugeLawn messaged me several times to tell me that he'd just moved here from California, and that he was very interested in what sort of beer I liked. When, on a whim, I told him, "IPAs, but also Belgians and some stouts," he sent me a lengthy reply about a particular substance that he likes to partake in, followed by some pseudoscientific information about the substance and the reassuring statement: "I have a license." Alas, by the time I had logged back onto the site and received this missive, I had also been sent a message informing me that Mr. HugeLawn no longer had an account. Guys? Guys?! I don't think I was the only person he was offering his goods and services to! And he didn't even give me a '' e-mail account at which to contact him for further information, unlike Mr. JustMyself88.


My Enemy is No Match for Me

One of the things I love the most about OkC is that if you're too cheap to pay for 'premium membership' (ooo--me, me!!), you only get to see the last 4 people who have visited your profile, and how many people have 'liked' it since the last time you logged in. This adds a fantastic aura of mystery to the whole process... especially since the premium package also includes the ability to 'browse invisibly'--that is, without the person you're cyberstalking even noticing.

So, for instance, I log into my profile and see that four people have visited me, and that I've got 2 new 'likes'. Are my potential loves pleazurefulmanXX and SoulfulHazelEyes, or Hikeerguy87 and DjThighpads? Or are they, perhaps, two stealthy individuals who are shelling out good, hard cash to read about how I prefer "Buffy" to "Angel" from behind the Veil of Obscurity?

(I am not making any of those names up. Also, for the record, if I found out that someone was dissecting my profile on their blog, I would only object if they weren't actually being very funny about it. To me, finding humor in OkC usernames and profiles is akin to poking fun at literary characters.)

Blissfully ignorant of the facts, I'm free to imagine whatever I'd like...including that Hikeerguy is actually an ER doc who enjoys hiking, not just someone who added an extra 'e' for reasons known only to himself.

And then there's TenderPassions. Now that's a guy who went ahead and put it all out there when he chose his username. He underscores his sincerity by providing the following self-summary:

I'm a genuine nice guy who given a chance can make your life incredible. I don't play games, I don't need to date two women at once, or jump into bed after a few dates. I'm looking for something long term, maybe life long with the right person. Now a little about me.

The last line, perhaps unjustly, makes me giggle. Because seriously--how were the previous three sentences not all about him? When he does jump into bed with someone, I hope his tender passions aren't aimed entirely at himself.

None of these fine fellows are my anti-match, however. That particular honor goes to someone else. (I'm not going to divulge his username because if he really is my 0% match and 99% enemy, he's probably very mean, impressively coordinated, and owns lots of illegal firearms. Plus, he probably has a lot of money and knows how to use technology to figure out where people are. OMG. I think I've just realized that my anti-match is a black-ops mercenary.)

Alrighty. The first point of interest about BlkHwkDn (as I'm now going to call him) is that he has answered no fewer than 483 of the available multiple choice questions. (I have answered 135.) So when OkC tells me that he's a 0% match and a 99% enemy (their words, not mine!), this is not based on a paucity of information on their part.

But what is it based on? I tried to check whether he answered "Earth" for the "Is the Earth or the Sun larger?" question, but it wouldn't tell me. He did get all the math questions I could see wrong, though. And said he cared whether potential partners got the same answer as him. So perhaps we're not a good match because he hates the Truth.

His self-summary makes him seem so mild-mannered and innocuous, though! Listen to this:

My self-summary:
looking for someone to talk, go out with, watch a movie, go for walk and Frisbee golf
What I’m doing with my life:
like going up north, walks, movies, frisbee golf every sunday and much more just ask..
I’m really good at:
Frisbee golf, work and having fun
The first things people usually notice about me:
eyes and
You should message me if: you have a open mind and like to have fun

What does it say about me that this person is my Anti-Match? Do I secretly hate fun and always insist on traveling south?! Am I that much of an enemy to all that is Frisbee Golf??

I mean, the bit where he's built such that the first things people notice about him are his 'eyes and butt' does seem a bit different. I'm going to go right out on a limb and state that people probably don't notice both of those things about me at the same time.

Yes...I'll bet that's it. I'm going to spend more time practicing the Backbreaker pose and report back soon.

Until then, I remain
Virtually Yours

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Christina Van Dyke

scholar, mother, and proud owner of the largest couch in creation
  • here and there
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